Little did I know that a decade or so down the road of life I would learn that those movies that DIDN'T scare me, the ones I watched repeatedly, were the ones that were inspired by real written stories that were far more dark than the movies that I didn't like to watch. Crazy right? The Brothers' Grimm, as they called themselves, were story writers. FOR CHILDREN! Sometimes it amazes me how dark and awful the original stories are. Um, these are for kids!?What was wrong with those guys?!
Siblings and I, cousins too, have had countless discussions on which movie is best vs the original story vs the closest a movie came to the original story. In my experience, the live action films made by Disney, or whatever picture company made the movies, were most accurate. Peter Pan, not written by BG, was most accurately depicted by HOOK. You know, one of your favorite Robin Williams films. There are many Disney movies that were not written originally by the Brothers' Grimm that are among the list of movies that my sisters and cousins enjoyed the most. The Lion King and The Jungle Book, for instance, are 2 of the top movies for most people I come in contact with. Neither were written by Grimm.
Rapunzel. She was not a princess. She was the first born of a poor couple. That couple lived next door to a witch. The pregnant wife of the peasant man was craving radishes. That witch had a garden full of them. He stole them to appease his wife. The witch caught him and made the deal that she could take whatever she wanted from him in exchange for his life. The baby. Rapunzel. You know what happens next. The whole tower thing, right? Well, the prince found her tower climbed it and immediately asked 12 year old Rapunzel to marry him. Obviously, she did not break his smolder in this version. Then a little bit later she was pregnant. The witch discovered this, cut her hair and threw her pregnant ass out of the tower abandoning her in the woods to die. She didn't die. The prince was tricked into climbing the tower again by the witch with Rapunzel's hair. She then pushed him out of the tower to his death. He didn't die either. Instead, he fell into the rose bushes, which blinded him. Eventually, Rapunzel found the blinded prince and cried tears of joy. Her tears returned his eye sight. Meanwhile, the stupid witch starved to death in the tower because she's a big dumb who built a tower with no alternative way to get in or out. You think she would just conjure up one being a witch, but no she didn't, dumb witch.
Snow White. Did you know that the original story of Snow White, written by Brothers' Grimm, was altered by the brothers because it was too dark?? In the first draft of the original, the evil queen was actually Snow's biological mother! Not her step-mother. That's crazy because, as you know, the queen tried to brutally murder her for being pretty. This is more disturbing seeing as how she gave birth to this girl! Anyways, the brothers thought that making the queen her real mother was too bad so they changed it to step-mother. Again, still horrible. The Queen pays the huntsman to hunt down Snow White and carve out her lungs and heart so she could cook and eat them. Eww! Snow White escapes, 7 dwarves, blah blah blah. That concoction that the queen drank? You know the one that turned her into an old hag? Almost killed her. Poisoned apple, check. Glass casket, check. Handsome prince who saves her via "true love's kiss", check.
*Oooooooone sooooooong, I have but ooooooone sooooooong, ooooooooone sooooooong, only for yoooooooou!!!!*
So, in the Disney film, the evil queen is chased by vultures and falls off a cliff to her death. Then the vultures fly down and do what vultures do. Pretty dark enough as it is. In the Brothers' Grimm version, the queen is forced to wear magma hot iron shoes and dance in them until she died.....GEEZ!!
Sleeping Beauty. This one is rather disturbing as well. In the Brothers' Grimm version of this classic, sleeping beauty, also known as Talia, got a splinter. A SPLINTER! Which put her into, as you know, a long enchanted slumber. After this, her father the king, abandons that castle and leaves her behind. *Sigh* fatherly love right there! Shortly after, another kind inhabits the castle. He discovers Talia sleeping and tried to wake her. He couldn't do it. So what does he do?has sex with her instead. Not only is that gross, doesn't it come REALLY close to necrophilia? I know she's not dead, but unconscious in an endless sleep comes close right? Once upon a dream just became once upon a damn nightmare if you ask me!! Anyways, she woke up.....with two babies. Twins. Now, obviously the brothers had ZERO knowledge of what child birth is like and how it effects the behavior of a woman considering, in the story, she didn't wake until AFTER the children were born. Um, no. Ok so one of the babies started suckling on her finger and that's when she woke up. The baby sucked out the splinter. REALLY? That's all it took to wake her up? I wonder why or how her father didn't think of that to begin with. Ok, so now we have a king with 2 bastard children. Well, the queen was pretty pissed off because she ordered the children to be kidnapped. She then ordered the cook to chop them up into a stew and serve it to the king. All this so he would unknowingly eat his own children. Um....OMG! Luckily for these two innocent babies, the merciful cook hid the children with his wife to keep them safe. Gee, what a nice guy! Way to go, Mr. Cook man! The king found out and had her executed. So yeah not such a happy movie after all.
Cinderella. Now here's one you may have already heard. In the Disney classic, she's a slave in her own home. 2 really bitchy step sisters and a horrid, HORRID step mother. Why is it always the step mother?? Anyways, you may recall that every eligible maiden in the kingdom was invited to the ball to meet the prince, yeah? Cinderella was told she could go if she got all her work done. The step family pretty much made it their mission to give her so much work that she couldn't get it all done in time. The mice and birds made her dress for her. Then they were all mad when she came flying down the stairs in her pretty dress. A gift from her mother, if you recall. Pause for a second...if I were Cinderella, there would be no story because those bitches wouldn't be allowed to treat me like that. Nope! Ok anyways, she runs away, meets her fairy godmother....SING IT WITH ME!.....
**Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
Put 'em together and what have you got
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
Put 'em together and what have you got
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
It'll do magic believe it or not
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
It'll do magic believe it or not
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
Salagadoola means mechicka booleroo
But the thingamabob that does the job is
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
But the thingamabob that does the job is
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
Put 'em together and what have you got
Bibbidi-bobbidi bibbidi-bobbidi
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo**
Put 'em together and what have you got
Bibbidi-bobbidi bibbidi-bobbidi
Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo**
Does anyone else notice that this is pretty much gibberish?? Moving on...
She goes to the ball in her pretty blue dress and glass heels. Who dances in glass shoes, btw?? That is just absurd, right? She meets the prince, they fell in love...oh yeah you know what's coming.
**So this is loooove, mmmm-mmmmmm. So this...is loooooove!!**
The most boring Disney song EVER!!
And I am the queen of classic Disney songs!! The clock strikes 12. It's time to go. Her coachman turns back into Bruno. Her horses turn back into mice. Her pumpkin is ran over by the palace guards. She's back in rags, but she's totally over the moon. Ok, so the prince orders the duke to find her. He searches all night. Yada, Yada, Yada now they're at "Chateau Tremaine". I don't think it's called that, but it sounds fancy, yeah? The sisters try on the shoe. Now, the Disney movie does resemble the original but not quite. The shoe won't fit Drisella because her big toe is huge. It goes BOING! The shoe won't fit Anastasia because her heal is too big. The Duke almost leaves. Then Cinderella comes running down the stairs, right? You know the rest.
In the Grimm version, there is no fairy godmother. I know, sad right? Instead the essence of her mother is in a big tree in the back yard. Cinderella would sit under the tree and cry. The tree's leaves and branches are what helped Cinderella dress up for the ball. Oh and by the way it wasn't a ball, it was a 3-day festival in which Cinderella and the Prince danced each day. Imagine watching Cinderella right up until she gets home, rewinding it, then watching it 2 more times in a row before moving on. The duke did not come to her house, it was the prince himself. Drisella couldn't fit the in the shoe on account of her giant sausage toe being too big, so her mother gave her a knife and basically said, "Cut that shit off, bitch! I wanna be royalty!" She obeyed her mother, and then rode off with the prince. Well Mr. Dumb Dumb Prince who should notice what a girl looks or doesn't look like after spending 3 days with her, notices all the blood in the shoe and was like, "Um, gross you're not my bride" and took her back. Anastasia couldn't fit in the shoe on account of her monstrous hobbit feet being too big. Like trying to fit a size 6 shoe on your big ass size 10 foot, idiot! So, Lady Tremaine said, "Cut off your heal. Make it fit!" So she did. The prince rode away with her and again noticed all the blood, again without noticing that it was not, in fact, the same girl he spent 3 days with. He took her back. Cinderella finally came into the picture again. Now it's time for the wedding. The two step-sisters came to the wedding along with their mother offering to be bridesmaids and the crows ended up being like, "Yum, dinner!" and plucked out all of their eyes! Ewww, right?? Reminds me of a song my grandpa Ed used to sing to me!
"Two little grows a sittin in a tree.
Two little crows a sittin in a tree.
Two little crows a sittin in a tree, one named Melissa and the other Jackie. (That's what he said)
One little crow said to his mate.
One little crow said to his mate.
One little crow said to his mate.
There's a dead horse out in yonder field.
Let's go lie down on his back.
Let's go lie down on his back.
Let's go lie down on his back.
AND PICK HIS EYES OUT ONE BY ONE!!"
My grandpa has an amazing sense of humor, ay?
So that's the story of little Cindy. I always hated when everyone referred to Catharine Duchess of Cambridge as modern day Cinderella. That doesn't make sense. For one, her and Prince William met at college. Two she was loved by her small town family. Three, they lived on a farm. Lastly, she and the Prince dated on and off for years, before they got married. So no, that is incorrect.
Moving on...
So that's the story of little Cindy. I always hated when everyone referred to Catharine Duchess of Cambridge as modern day Cinderella. That doesn't make sense. For one, her and Prince William met at college. Two she was loved by her small town family. Three, they lived on a farm. Lastly, she and the Prince dated on and off for years, before they got married. So no, that is incorrect.
Moving on...
The little Mermaid. This one is very similar to the actual original story. Ariel is not her name though, and it wasn't a Brothers' Grimm story. But it is still pretty much the same. She wanted to be part of the human world, yeah? Then she saved Prince Eric from drowning. She then made a deal with the sea witch to get legs so she could be with him. Ok, in the original story, the tiny, insignificant mermaid made that deal to get legs. Only the witch didn't tell her that it would be excruciatingly painful to walk. Ha! Serves you right, dumb dumb! Shouldn't have messed with black magic! The Witch told the princess that if she could get the Prince to fall in love with her, it would be permanent. Well, turns out our Prince Eric was a huge dickface and made her dance for him all the time, even though it hurt her badly. The Prince fell in love with someone else. In the Disney version, Ursula disguised herself as Venessa and tricked the Prince into falling for her. This was against the witch's deal. To be released from said deal, the mermaid was told she had to kill Eric in order to be released and return home. Otherwise, she would die and turn into sea foam. She loved that idiot head. Therefore, she did not kill him. So she died on the beach and turned into sea foam....
Hmmm...well that sucks! Quite the ending, ay? La-la-la-la...YOU'RE DEAD!
Pocahontas. Now here's one that is kind of accurate, but some false. Especially considering she was a real person at the turn of the 16th century. All the film makers had to do was look up her wiki page and boom a movie. I don't know why they tweaked the story. I mean, the others were tweaked from stories. This one was tweaked from history. In this adoring Disney classic, also one of my favorites, (the took it off of Netflix, those bastards!) Pocahontas was a YOUNG girl full of life. She was adventurous and kind of rebellious. In the movie they portray her as an 18-19 year old girl. she was actually 12 or 13 when she met John Smith. She was the daughter of the chief, Powhatan. A pretty important guy if you ask me. He was pretty much king of that entire area. Well she meets a whitey. They fell in love. His friend kills her betrothed. (We know him as Kocoum)Then John is sentenced to death.
**I hear-by claim this land, in honor of his majesty King James the First, and do so name this settlement....(snooty British accent) Jamestown!**
There really is a Jamestown Virginia! Funny huh? If I lived there, I'd be saying that all the time to everyone! Anyways, she saves John Smith by throwing herself on him right as Chief Powhatan swings his rock looking club hammer thing. I've always wondered how that would have beheaded him. I mean, is that what they were going for? If anything, it would most likely paralyze him. He would live as a quadriplegic. The English leave, the end. They make a second movie where Pocahontas goes to England to talk to the king about not attacking her people. She meets John Rolfe and they fall in love. There's one scene where the nanny housekeeper lady is trying to dress her in clothes a well dressed English woman would wear. Back then they wore layer upon layer upon uncomfortable, I imagine, hot layer. She runs into the room where John is and says, "How do I look?" He gets embarrassed and says, "Lovely, in your....underwear." Picture what "Underwear" was in the 16th century. Now picture what an Indian wore during the summer. I always laugh because what she is used to is like not even half of what was considered underwear. Ha Ha. Kind of like what you would see in National Geographic today. *Chuckles to self*
Well history tells us this: "Pocahontas (born Matoaka, known as Amonute, and later known as Rebecca Rolfe, c. 1596–1617) was a Native American[2][3][4] notable for her association with the colonial settlement at Jamestown, Virginia. Pocahontas was the daughter of Powhatan, the paramount chief[2] of a network of tributary tribal nations in the Tsenacommacah, encompassing the Tidewater region of Virginia. In a well-known historical anecdote, she is said to have saved the life of an Indian captive, Englishman John Smith, in 1607 by placing her head upon his own when her father raised his war club to execute him. Some historians have suggested that this story, as told by Smith, is untrue.[5]
Pocahontas was captured by the English during Anglo-Indian hostilities in 1613, and held for ransom. During her captivity, she converted to Christianity and took the name Rebecca. When the opportunity arose for her to return to her people, she chose to remain with the English. In April 1614, she married tobacco planter John Rolfe, and in January 1615, bore their son, Thomas Rolfe.[1]In 1616, the Rolfes traveled to London. Pocahontas was presented to English society as an example of the "civilized savage" in hopes of stimulating investment in the Jamestown settlement. She became something of a celebrity, was elegantly fêted, and attended a masque at Whitehall Palace. In 1617, the Rolfes set sail for Virginia, but Pocahontas died at Gravesend of unknown causes. She was buried in a church in Gravesend in the United Kingdom, but the exact location of her grave is unknown.[1]"
She was young as you can see, but I love her!
These are among many stories that have been majorly tweaked for the sake of children over the years. If you think about it though, the earlier Disney movies are still pretty dark. And racist too. I mean, Dumbo? The most racist of all! The princess and the frog is pretty bad too. Extremely stereotypical. I was shocked.
Talk about childhood stories you love, destroyed. I own a paperback copy of all the Brothers' Grimm stories and whew, they are pretty dark. Good stories, though.
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